Yesterday I babysat my two nephews, age 6 and age 4 months. I took them to the playground for some fresh air and some good ol' fashioned vitamin D from the sun. My husband came out to sit with us for a while. As he sat there, I noticed a certain look in his eye as he watched me hold, talk to, and play with the baby. It is a look with which I am all too familiar. His eyes told the same story that they have said for years: I want you to have my baby.
The first time he told me this, I was truly flattered. I don't believe any man has told me this before, and actually meant it. But for me and many other women who have trouble conceiving, I can't help but feel like I have become a disappointment to him. Of course he tells me that I am not, but I know that there is a piece of him that hurts every barren month without a pregnancy. I sometimes felt responsible for not making my husband 100% happy. In taking my vows, I promised to be his 100%. How can a man love a woman who cannot bear his legacy?
Honestly, knowing how he feels and accepting the possibility of probably never having children depressed me in ways that I would never think possible. In the past I would focus too much on the negative aspects of PCOS...how it affects my lifestyle, my marriage, my appearance and my future. And that negative focus would lead to episodes of depression...which would lead me to overeating and listlessness...which would lead me to more weight gain...which would lead me away from my goal. What a hellish cycle! I find strength in my faith, my marriage, and my determination to combat the symptoms of PCOS. I also find the motivation from other woman who have the condition and are MOTHERS.
I am writing this today to help all others dealing with the depression symptom PCOS. No matter what, always search for your silver lining. Always search for your motivator. That look in my husband's eyes is my motivation. I WILL continue to eat right...I WILL continue to be active...I WILL continue to have faith in the Almighty...I WILL remember that even if i cannot bear a child, there is always a child out there that I can share my love...I WILL NOT GIVE UP! ETJ!!!