I know I've been missing for a minute, but I figured I should post SOMETHING before I am throttled by a good doctor friend.
Well, not preggers yet...but the fight rages on. I did go through a deep depression for a while, which is why I have been MIA. This episode was a tough one. I isolated myself, I stopped communicating with the ones I love most, and fought every positive vibe just so I could stay in a slump. THIS IS NOT THE WAY!!!! After some deep prayer, some soul searching, and a long talk with hubby and friends...I bounced back...and as simple as this phrase may seem...I AM SMILING. That is something that I have not been able to do for a very long time.
I just want to thank my friends and family for all they have done to inspire me. The friend who is sharing this journey with me and helping me to find others that have conquered the preggers war. The friend who is giving me all the medical advice while still learning (one of the smartest chicks I know). The friend who was dealing with a completely different medical issue, but still had difficulty conceiving, and almost gave up, and is now hugging her 4 month old angel. The married friend with PCOS who understood me when I typed my last blog. The friend that threatened to KILL me if I didn't get out of my slump (nothing like tough love, roomie!) The friend that has always been there for a laugh when she talks about her students...my bestie. The college friends that found their own way to spread empowerment and reminded me that I am still PERPHECT! The friend who is going crazy with me, and has the drugs to prove it (lol). My sisters, who I know will always be in my corner. My readers...you do not know how much you have helped me.
And finally...my husband. I know that he and I have really been on an emotional rollercoaster, but through it all, we found a way to get back to ourselves. We took a step back in time to remember what we loved most about each other, and how we promised ourselves never to lose sight of that. I know that he is not the enemy...and by not communicating with him...truly COMMUNICATING with him...I was losing pieces of him. I got those pieces back, and I could not be more thankful. (In my most high-pitched "hood-rat" voice) THAT'S MY BOO!
I love you all! ETJ!
And check out this awesome blog! http://www.perfectlyimperphect.com
Showing posts with label motivation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motivation. Show all posts
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Motivated...
Yesterday I babysat my two nephews, age 6 and age 4 months. I took them to the playground for some fresh air and some good ol' fashioned vitamin D from the sun. My husband came out to sit with us for a while. As he sat there, I noticed a certain look in his eye as he watched me hold, talk to, and play with the baby. It is a look with which I am all too familiar. His eyes told the same story that they have said for years: I want you to have my baby.
The first time he told me this, I was truly flattered. I don't believe any man has told me this before, and actually meant it. But for me and many other women who have trouble conceiving, I can't help but feel like I have become a disappointment to him. Of course he tells me that I am not, but I know that there is a piece of him that hurts every barren month without a pregnancy. I sometimes felt responsible for not making my husband 100% happy. In taking my vows, I promised to be his 100%. How can a man love a woman who cannot bear his legacy?
Honestly, knowing how he feels and accepting the possibility of probably never having children depressed me in ways that I would never think possible. In the past I would focus too much on the negative aspects of PCOS...how it affects my lifestyle, my marriage, my appearance and my future. And that negative focus would lead to episodes of depression...which would lead me to overeating and listlessness...which would lead me to more weight gain...which would lead me away from my goal. What a hellish cycle! I find strength in my faith, my marriage, and my determination to combat the symptoms of PCOS. I also find the motivation from other woman who have the condition and are MOTHERS.
I am writing this today to help all others dealing with the depression symptom PCOS. No matter what, always search for your silver lining. Always search for your motivator. That look in my husband's eyes is my motivation. I WILL continue to eat right...I WILL continue to be active...I WILL continue to have faith in the Almighty...I WILL remember that even if i cannot bear a child, there is always a child out there that I can share my love...I WILL NOT GIVE UP! ETJ!!!
The first time he told me this, I was truly flattered. I don't believe any man has told me this before, and actually meant it. But for me and many other women who have trouble conceiving, I can't help but feel like I have become a disappointment to him. Of course he tells me that I am not, but I know that there is a piece of him that hurts every barren month without a pregnancy. I sometimes felt responsible for not making my husband 100% happy. In taking my vows, I promised to be his 100%. How can a man love a woman who cannot bear his legacy?
Honestly, knowing how he feels and accepting the possibility of probably never having children depressed me in ways that I would never think possible. In the past I would focus too much on the negative aspects of PCOS...how it affects my lifestyle, my marriage, my appearance and my future. And that negative focus would lead to episodes of depression...which would lead me to overeating and listlessness...which would lead me to more weight gain...which would lead me away from my goal. What a hellish cycle! I find strength in my faith, my marriage, and my determination to combat the symptoms of PCOS. I also find the motivation from other woman who have the condition and are MOTHERS.
I am writing this today to help all others dealing with the depression symptom PCOS. No matter what, always search for your silver lining. Always search for your motivator. That look in my husband's eyes is my motivation. I WILL continue to eat right...I WILL continue to be active...I WILL continue to have faith in the Almighty...I WILL remember that even if i cannot bear a child, there is always a child out there that I can share my love...I WILL NOT GIVE UP! ETJ!!!
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